It may not surprise you to know that in most circumstances I very rarely keep quiet, in fact some may think me guilty of verbosity. I am outspoken and opinionated in most circumstances. However there are times where I have nothing to say, I freeze unable to respond, unable to verbalise just what is wrong. Let me explain...
Guilt and self doubt are something that I feel really affects me when I least expect it. Especially in circumstances that are beyond my control. At times like these it is very hard to stay focused and grounded. Wallowing in self pity pushes me further into my ill feeling and not being able to express how I feel only makes matters worse.
Last year was my first at university and I had some of the best times of my life but also the worst. I had severe bouts of loneliness and home sickness that I couldn't put into words, bottling all that emotion up made me ill and even more miserable. One of the things that made these feelings harder to deal with was the fact that those around me were having such a great time, and I wasn't. Torn between jealousy and guilt for not having the time of my life, I withdrew myself, and became somehow less than my full self.
One of the worst things would be if I had wasted a day, having achieved nothing, been no where and seen no one. The feeling of guilt that would lurk in my stomach would put me in such a melancholic mood that I would just go to bed. At times like that I became a self perpetuating mess. We all have days like that, but I seemed to have more than others.
So when the summer came round I was thrilled to be going back home for 4 months, couldn't wait, I was packed a week early and I crossed off the days on my calendar. I couldn't get enough of being home, seeing my beautiful animals, spending time with my family, catching up with old loyal friends and paying northern prices for highlights *YES*. However, after a month or so I realised I was missing all the things that I loved about university, being so close to London, all my friends, and some of the freedom I have. So I was looking forward to going back.
Before moving in properly I spent a night at my new shared house at the start of September to decorate in preparation of my return. I did all my painting, had an amazing cheeky McDonald's dinner with the beautiful Polly who I had missed dearly, and reacquainted my self with the south. However, as I lay in bed that night I missed home, I was filled with such doubt, why am I here, it's not where I want to be, get me back to Yorkshire. In the morning I woke realised I was going back and I felt fine. It is there all the time, that feeling of home sickness that I cannot shake.
I realise now that this is compromise. I attend university which I adore in the south, and my family is in the north. My beloved mother put it so eloquently "everything that you need is there", and she is right and in order to have the opportunities that I want I need to be there. So I realised that as with many other things in life, in order to get through some of my internal issues I need to employ a reward system. Breaking up my terms, going home for the weekend can become so important, and looking forward to that can really help. Also having uni work again and my blog keeps me busy which is so important, just having my mind occupied make such a difference to my well being.
I love my home so much and nothing can compare to the comfort that I enjoy there, and the feeling of knowing that you are with the people who love you the most, but if I allow that to rule me, I don't think that I can move forward and allow my self to develop. So with a heavy heart I said goodbye, which is hard. However, knowing that I can go back when I want (within reason, those tickets are pricey) allows me to focus on the x amount of weeks from now till then. It makes me more productive and works for me. I know others that don't go home once in a term, and that's great for them, but that's just not for me, being able to cope in the best way I can is what I need.
By now some of you may be thinking that at 22 I should be able to live away from home and not be a hopeless wreck, well that might be the case for some, but that just isn't me, and after all it takes all sorts. I am not going to apologise for this, as long as I can afford the train fare and get my work done I am happy, I hope that soothes your soul, it certainly does for me.
Sorry for this post being mired in what can only be described as self pity, but I want my platform to be a true representation of who I am, it is so easy to only post the good bits, and edit away your problems, but I want to be honest with you, and I hope that you respect that. I shot this look for this post as it was an off duty cozy look that references the comfort of home and my spirit animal Ursula...
I will be back soon, with something far more cheerful I promise ❤️
What I am wearing:
Ursula T.shirt: Asos
Cardigan: River Island (V.Old)
Travel Mug: Kate Spade
Sunglasses: Karen Walker
Photography by Claudia Palčova