It’s not my fault!
- Ben Pechey
- 4 hours ago
- 2 min read
It’s not my fault.
A very simple sentence, but one that has offered me more peace than I have known for a long time.
I need to rewind a little so that you are on the same page with me. In August, I was diagnosed with ADHD. At 31, this is classified as late diagnosed. If you ask my Mum, she would tell you that she knew when I was 13. Yet when she asked my school to help me, they told her it was too late and wouldn’t help me.
The diagnosis was no surprise to me; in fact, I was convinced of it long before I sought it out. The appointment didn’t run the full time, as I met the criteria quicker than the doctor expected. If that’s not the most ADHD thing ever, then I don’t know what is.
The diagnosis is something that has sat with me over the weeks since it was given. I have conflicting feelings about it. The first is the feeling of grief. Why wasn’t this diagnosed sooner if it was so obvious? What would my life have been like had I had this diagnosis when I was 13?
However, hindsight is useless in reality, so instead I am focusing on how it can help me now.
The other feeling I have is an immense sense of relief. Relief that I am not simply bad at life, I have ADHD, a complex condition likely caused by a combination of genetic predisposition and environmental influences that affected/affects my brain development and its function.
In short, how hard things can be for me is simply not my fault.
There is so much merit in self-diagnosis, I recognise this, and would go as far as to correct a conflicting statement I made in my first book. For my brain, having a concrete, irrefutable diagnosis has been the thing that has offered me the peace I have been looking for in my adult life.
Being able to say to myself, ‘it’s not my fault’ has opened up a way of life that isn’t focused on hating myself. It is immensely profound, and I am excited to see what this diagnosis will free up in my mind.
Unlike other times, when I speak to you, I have takeaways for you. Today is just for me, and the newfound peace of knowing that it is simply not my fault!
I'm never sure if 'congratulations' is the right thing to say when someone gets a validating neurodivergant diagnosis, but that's what I feel like my sentiment is - I'm happy that you have that validation of your experiences!
I totally get you on the grief, I was diagnosed as autistic three years ago when I was 37and I'm still struggling with that 'what would my life have been like if I'd known sooner' feeling. I admire you for being able to accept that it's not your fault though, I still struggle to accept that and I constantly berate myself for not being able to cope with life!