An ADHDreadful Year

This year has been miserable.

To catch you up, a little over a year ago, I was diagnosed with ADHD. It wasn’t a huge surprise, but it also answered a lot of questions I had. It was the missing puzzle piece that added details to my assumptions.

It’s important to say that I could have called it myself, pretty sure we can all say with a firmness what is or isn’t happening inside our own bodies. Self diagnosis works for many people, and is 100% valid, but as I would like to explore medication, an official diagnosis was what I needed & wanted.

I went through the NHS, waited 6 months for my diagnosis appointment, and was told titration for medication would be 7/8 months down the line. That has come & gone, and of course I’m still waiting to start medication! This is not a unique problem, and I must say I am fine.

It doesn’t mean, however, that I have to enjoy it.

The past year, as is very common, has seen a worsening of the affects my ADHD causes. I’ve also felt extreme grief over the what ifs;

1. What if I’d been diagnosed when I was younger

2. What would my life be like if I’d had access to medication a decade a go?

3. What if I didn’t have ADHD?

4. What if I will never operate in ordinary ways?

5. What if my brain could just be, instead of doing a thousand things a minute - and why can at any given moment will my brain play random songs start to finish?*

In practise it looks like this;

1. I can’t rewind time - and what was, is just that - I am moving forward.

2. See above

3. I can’t imagine being anything but myself - so this question seems a little redundant.

4. In many ways the good and the bad have to coexist. Some days I cannot do anything, frozen by executive dysfunction. Other days, I will plan two books, and do a weeks work in an afternoon. Is this ordinary for some people - no - but it is ordinary for me.

5. Maybe when I have access to medication, I will find out?

I don’t have any answers, it has been an ADHDreadful year. Many people post diagnosis go through this. Knowing I am n to alone in this situation has been incredibly helpful. So I wanted to share this, in case you are also in the thick of it too.

*Right now my brain is playing Breathless by the Corrs