L'esprit de l'escalier

I’ve been thinking about the phrase L'esprit de l'escalier. 

It’s a French phrase which describes the feeling of thinking of the perfect response to a comment or argument too late. It translates to staircase wit. The term was coined by the French philosopher Denis Diderot. Used in his dramatic essay Paradoxe sur le comédien, published posthumously in 1830.

The idea of coming up with a winning riposte too late is something I can relate to with my gender. For many of us, our gender identity has taken years of work and exploration. Being trans means that chunks of our lives were not lived in the truest version of ourselves. As adults, we can begin to feel wistful for a childhood that never happened.

L'esprit de trans l'escalier, if you will.

Whether we felt trapped, denied, confused, miserable, or curious in our identity, there is sadly no going back. So what’s to be done with the L'esprit de l'escalier of identity we may feel?

I use that pent-up L'esprit de trans l'escalier as a form of energy. Energy that I use to improve the lives of future generations of trans people. Instead of thinking about what my life would have been like if I had come out as trans at age seven, I work with charities and organisations to make that a possibility for seven-year-olds right now.

The landscape of rights was created and fought for by past generations; we continue their legacy in this way. Whilst progress is not always linear, we can work to maintain progress, and when we can to improve it.

Whilst the trans experience of L'esprit de trans l'escalier is not the easiest thing to bear, it does have its uses, and for that I am grateful.