Public Displays of Gender

I talk about gender, a lot. Maybe you’re sick of it, I don’t care! Last week I talked about loving when my transness is ignored. This week, I want to talk about when my gender isn’t ignored, and is oddly accommodated.

As a trans feminine non-binary person, I spend a lot of time watching other people trying to work out their interaction with my gender. You’ll be surprised that I actually find it really fun, when it isn’t offensive, it can actually be very funny.

Here are some of my favourite ways I have experienced other peoples confusion recently…

“It is she isn’t it?!”

In a makeup chair, the makeup artist asked me this question. I actually enjoyed this, because the face she was building, the glam we were creating together, was high femme. The mood was SHE. I could hear the reticence, the worry, and the hesitation. In that moment, I agreed, it was! I said anything but masculine identifiers, and we are golden. Not awkward, no anger, just a camp moment, and I looked fucking fabulous.

“Men’s or Women’s changing room?”

On holiday I booked a hot stone massage, one of my decadent loves, indulged by my generous fiancé. The attendant welcomed me in, and asked me to get changed, and she took a breath, and I assume saw me in her darkened tiled high-end-but-very-binary spa, and chose the path of least resistance. She let me choose my changing room, putting my comfort first. Was it perfect, obviously no, I’d have loved a private genderless space. But, it worked perfectly fine in that moment, and I thoroughly enjoyed my massage

“Oh, your toilets are through there”

At an art gallery, I needed the loo, because I drink far too much water. I asked an attendant, and she took me in, in my floral dungarees and green rain boots, and without missing a beat told me just where my toilets were. She had directed me to the gender neutral toilets, and yes, she had judged me, but she was right. I peed in peace, and my fiancé still laugh about it to this day.

Are all these responses to me at work, at play, in public all perfect? No, obviously not, but also they didn’t cause me any harm. In their own ways, they were all very affirming in their own odd ways.

Do I urge you to behave like this? No.

Do I get to say what is and isn’t okay for me? Yes.

They say pick your battles, and these interactions were so easy. I chose to not burden myself with correcting these well intentioned people.

I am not saying you have carte Blanche to disregard all I have ever taught you, and judge gender non-conforming people. What I am saying, is that I experience joy in the way I see people try to accommodate me, and that trying to be a decent human and maybe missing the mark a little is so much better than not trying at all.

So, yes let’s have fun with gender in public…