Take Yourself Seriously

At the time of writing - it’s Tuesday afternoon - it is cold, grey, wet, and I’ve just finished watching an episode of Grand Designs.

I finished my lunch and couldn’t bring myself to leave my chair, and here I have sat, having done so for nearly a month. Actually, I lie, some of the time, I’ve been in bed.

The thought that is rolling around my head is, ‘Will I ever be able to work again?’ What started as a few days of rest turned into nearly a month’s hiatus. I haven’t been able to face emails, work, or even writing.

Here’s what I know;

* This time of year always catches me out - work in January & February is always slow - and I always think the end is nigh, but then it isn’t.

* The symptoms of my ADHD seem to be at their strongest, with a combination of executive dysfunction, and decision fatigue. I have more awareness and no access to medication, not a great place to be.

* We’re living in unprecedented times - which act like a maelstrom on our body and mind.

It’s hard to shake how much of a failure I feel.

The irony that my playlist has chosen Self Control by Laura Branigan as I sit and write is not lost on me.

But! I have, in the last week, offered myself an olive branch in the form of something my therapist said to me. I discussed my current feelings and how I would offer anyone else compassion; tell them to rest, to take it easy. I also said I find it so hard to offer that to myself. My therapist told me that I need to start taking myself more seriously, that I should see my own circumstances and offer compassion, instead of wallowing in guilt and branding myself a failure.

I can’t say it has turned my thinking upside down, that I’m suddenly leaping for joy at being miserable.

I have, however, felt a lightness that has allowed me to see things in a better frame of mind. I can see that I need to just exist, gently hibernate, and I have done it well.

It has given me time to reflect on the small things I’ve achieved, like putting sauerkraut in my ramen, which, by the way, is delicious!

I’m taking myself seriously, seeing my needs, and meeting them. It hasn’t solved everything, but it has given me a fresh perspective on my existence. I have no reason to be so hard on myself, and instead I am in control of how compassionate with myself.

So perhaps we all need to start taking ourselves more seriously?