I foolishly forget, often, that a lot of people genuinely hate trans people and all that we stand for. I say I forget, because some days I don’t engage with the internet, and beyond a handful of people I hold close, I don’t speak to anyone, leaving me relatively in peace if you discount the angst and anguish.
Then there are days when I do engage, and that is when I am reminded.
In June I shared what I thought was a harmless post about gendered language on cosmetics. A post I hoped would raise awareness of a more inclusive and accessible future, did perhaps the opposite. It was met with 70% agreement and insightful commentary. The rest, the 30%, was anger, annoyance, and sheer hatred.
Comments - that over two weeks I hid, muted, restricted, and deleted - flooded the video like a tide I couldn’t hold back. It was pure personal, angry, vicious words. You learn as you experience faceless hatred and vitriol, to pay it less mind, yet some instances are so strong you cannot help but be affected by it.
I don’t believe that only I am right.
I don’t believe only I am entitled to say how things should be.
I don’t believe all the conversations I have with the internet are even the most important.
What I do believe in, is basic human decency, which is so desperately lacking in people and the internet.
To be told repeatedly that I am wrong, making things up, being selfish, being too fragile, asking too much of ‘normal’ people, and that I simply don’t know what I am talking about is a lot to handle. How is it selfish to ask you to think outside your own experiences? Yet this is what I faced, and whilst this may not be a majority in my own online community - I fear it is a growing majority in society itself.
I am an expert when it comes to trans rights, lived experience, and how that can be applied to the output of brands to create a more inclusive and equitable future for all of us. I say this not to be big-headed, or to even prove a point, but because I don’t think it is too much to ask, that we all engage in making the world a better place for everyone.
This is the missing link, that not enough people can look outside of themselves to care, I call this the caring gap. If only trans people engage in the conversation surrounding trans rights, then no change will be made, rather than preaching to the converted. The same could be said about disability rights, racism, and so many important social systemic structures that need dismantling.
This is the major flaw that many movements have. The ones who take up the mandate of creating change, making things better, and doing so for others, end up being too exhausted to do it long-term. When the exhaustion hits, I can’t do anymore, I don’t feel able to carry on. Instead I feel like I am causing a negative impact, that somehow I have let my community down.
You may not realise it, but thinking outside of your own experiences is a major tenant of allyship - something I cannot stress the importance of enough - it is engaging empathy to do something that will not necessary impact your life, but will create change for those who are suffering.
I can’t make people care.
I can’t make people buy my books to educate themselves.
I can’t erase cruelty and abuse.
I can’t do this on my own.
Together we can close the caring gap.
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