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  • Writer's pictureBen Pechey

The things that have been on my mind...

To conclude Honesty Month I wanted to investigate and tie up some of the loose ends that are roaming my mind, which can only mean that it is time for an inside my mind post.

Yes as always the last post of the month is a ramble and a frolic through the windows of my mind. Enjoy all the loose connected thoughts that have filled my mind this honesty month.

Have I ever told you that I worry about dying every day? I think about it most days, with it popping into my head to remind me of my very mortal existence. I am not really bothered about pain, or being ill - what will be will be. However, there are two aspects of death that I find hard to deal with.

The first is the fact that if I die tomorrow, I feel like I have not done enough. There is more I want to say, more I want to achieve and more life to live. It is one of the cruel facts of life, that in an instant our lives can be taken away from us. Which is why it is so important to always live in the present, don’t wait for the perfect moment, the moment is perfect now.

The second thing about deaths that I have not gotten my head around, is the thought of nothing. I am not religious, and can’t see the plausibility of reincarnation. So when we die, everything stops. I just can’t work out how that will feel. I know that in reality, it won’t feel of anything, because that is it, and there is nothing to feel. That just really bothers me.

On a lighter note, very different from worrying about death, is something that I have been watching this month. POSE. OH, MY WORD. What a masterpiece of televisual drama.

If you haven’t seen Paris is Burning, then I urge you to watch that first - for it is an amazing documentary on a way of life that is oft forgotten. The ball scene of the 80s and 90s and its many legendary children is a unique culture that has not been celebrated enough.

Pose is a beautiful dream of a DRAMA. The soundtrack is divine and the glorious cast of 5 trans leading women is unprecedented and what we need to see. I have loved it so much, I’m going to rewatch it in May.

Comparison is a huge theme of Pose, with categories allowing people to compete against each other and be compared. I worry about other people, and what they think all the time.

The 26th president of the US, Teddy Roosevelt once said that ‘comparison is the thief of Joy’. He was absolutely 100% correct. I spend more time worrying about my career versus what others have achieved, without stopping to sit and celebrate my own accomplishments.

I worry that I’m older than a lot of more successful people, without ever considering in reality just how young I am myself. At 24 I have achieved a lot to be proud of, yet in worrying and comparing myself to others I rob myself of that pride.

So in the spirit of honesty, this coming month I am going to reduce the time I give to comparison. Dissolve the fears I have about my inferiority. Discuss my successes with myself more. In short, I will be CELEBRATING myself.

Talking of celebrating, I want to thank all the people who I have leaned on, spoken with, or received support from over the last weeks and months. There are too many to name you all, but know if you have reached out, replied to a story, messaged me, texted or just liked one of my outputs- it has made my day.

Everything I do on my website and Instagram is because I love that I can bring joy direct to you. So knowing that you love it and that in some cases makes a difference, makes it all worth the effort. So thank you, my angels.

Just like that, we are at the end of another In my mind piece, and at the end of Honesty Month. It has been a great month being completely open and honest and talking in the same manner. I hope you have enjoyed this month’s content.

Be honest, let me know what you thought. I always love talking to you, so do get in touch if you ever have any thoughts, recommendations and ideas. Thank you for joining me today, and I will see you very soon.

Shot by Rachel Pechey

Shop my Lewk:

Rollneck: *Gifted by Matalan*

Dress: ASOS Curve

Trousers: M&S, sold out sadly

Sunglasses: Hot Futures


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