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  • Writer's pictureBen Pechey

What is Sexy to You?

Oh hello, darling! Welcome to April on This month, the focus will be on unspoken feelings. Conversations I have alone, that perhaps you may have with yourself too. These are the conversations that if we heard from other people, would make us feel more at ease in the turbulent world in which we live. Today I would love to explore the idea of SEXY.

It may come as a surprise to you, but I don’t consider myself to be sexy. This is not a pity post, I am very sure of myself. I am very happy with the way I look. However, the way I look is not something I would define as sexy. I sit on an intense intersection of gender, sex and sexuality. The visual outcome is pure personal expression combined with my gender identity.

The complex nature of gender identities means that over time - as I have evolved into the person I am - I have softened my outer appearance so that I pose less of a threat. This is partly subconscious and a conscious decision. I adore bright colours, bold patterns and soft shapes - outfits that have been referred to as clown costumes - make me look the closest I can come to approachable.

The way I look creates responses from many that do find me sexy, but in a way that invalidates who I am as a person. They see me as a fetish, as a fun way to spend some time, as a visual representation of naughtiness. I would never shame anyone for their tastes, and I appreciate the need to validate kinks. However, being the visual embodiment of someone's kink is so dehumanising.

Online dating is where I found out that I was a fetish. At first, I thought I was really popular, with people vying for my attention left right and centre. However, being asked if you’re a cross-dresser 37 times in a row is pretty tough to take. The fact that the only chance I had at some physical intimacy meant I had to change who I was - was incredibly demoralising. No one wants to be a sexual object - never seen as a person.

The fact that today's look - a wipe-clean dream - would be just the ticket for the people who see me as a dark desire, is not lost on me. However, this isn’t sexy to me. This is just a fun outfit, that made me smile. I struggle to resolve that I hate the way people see me when it comes to sexiness and my image. They are simply not seeing the same person.

I share so much positivity with you. In reality, the intersection of my gender identity and sexuality are at odds with each other. That leaves a big hole in my life. I have never been the type of person who needs another to feel whole. Yet we all have a complex layer of needs and wants, and this tricky visual tussle with my identity and being seen as sexy is so complex.

The worldwide pandemic and lockdowns have of course been frustrating. Taking the idea of physical intimacy off the table has been easy to deal with, but as the world slowly eases back to the lives we had before, I worry that there is something in my life unresolved. Something that is very much a work in progress…

Thank you for joining me today my darlings. As always, I love you lots like jelly tots, until next time, uh buh bye.

Shot by Rachel Pechey


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